The Big Book of New Irish Comedy
- “But, hang on, will the retainer affect my son's speech?”
- “No more than it’sh affecting my shpeech,” he explained, still smiling. I recoiled as the dentist then opened his mouth to reveal a metallic band glued to the back of his own fangs. He then rummaged in a drawer. “Thish ish all he’ll need.”
Excited, he began to produce an array of dental gadgets: bits of plastic, tiny toothbrushes, stiff dental floss, loose dental floss, probes, picks and what I can only describe as scrapey things. With a growing sense of horror I realised that we had entered a world of dental insanity on an industrial scale where straight and impossibly clean teeth were compulsory. How could a victim of this lunacy ever enjoy a Malteeser without being overcome with guilt and hurrying home to frantically deploy a personal arsenal of micro tools and gadgets in a major dental offensive?
I made up my mind. Someone had to take a stand against this madness.
“No!” I declared, rising to my feet. “ I won't agree to this! I’m going back to God’s plan!”....
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